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Delighted to hear your sad news

November 13, 2011

God, it’s lovely when friends split up with their partners, isn’t it? I can’t be alone in finding it joyful. Whenever it happens, despite sympathising with the pain they’re going through, my heart secretly lifts. It feels like a homecoming, a welcoming back into the fold.

It’s not schadenfraude. It’s just a blissful feeling of things going back to normal, back to how they should be. Partners always feel a bit like interlopers to me. Distractions. They’re always butting in to conversations or whisking my mates away to posh hotels for sex and champagne in bed, when really I’d far prefer them to be hanging out with me, playing Wii all day and ordering pizza. What? Yes, I’d deny my friends sex and posh weekends away, in a heartbeat, if it meant we could hang out.

I’ve never seen any of my friends beaming with pride at their partners as they struggle to pronounce a difficult word, or wipe their own bum.

I don’t feel like this about friends’ children, but that’s only because having children myself has made me like them*. I enjoy spending time with friends’ kids, as they’re like mini, uncensored versions of my friends. Plus, my friends light up around their children, they look happy. I’ve never seen any of my friends beaming with pride at their partners as they struggle to pronounce a difficult word, or wipe their own bum.

As you can guess, tonight I heard that a friend has split up from his long-term partner and is now MINE ALL MINE AGAI… er, back on the shelf. I’m happily budging along to make room. I’m envisioning long weekends of PS3 and extra pepperoni, parties, uninterrupted telephone conversations, and dinners together that revolve more around finding stuff to put on toast when drunk than trying out a witty little suggestion by Heston. Maybe this is why I prefer my friends single: they all turn into such idiots when they’re in couples.

* If I were childless, I’d probably secretly slip contraceptive pills into their cocktails every time I saw them.

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