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Flirty something

December 1, 2009

I don’t think I’d notice flirting any more if a man whacked me in the face with his penis

I think my neighbour flirted with me today. He’s a builder, and came round offering to fix the visible hole in my roof (this is not the flirty bit, the possibility of this being the flirty bit ended when he said it’d cost me £50).

The flirty bit was when he made a point of telling me that he was single. “Me waaaf left me eigh’ maaaaaanfs ago,” was how he put it. Is that flirting? To point out that you’re single? I don’t think I’d notice flirting any more if a man whacked me in the face with his erect penis, to be honest.

Since that encounter, I’ve been trying to imagine what sex would be like with my neighbour. I’ve approached this in the time-honoured, time-no-object manner of the Pros and Cons list.

PRO: He has that hot builder’s body.
CON: …But that confused, wary look of the very thick, like he’s terrified I’m suddenly going to start using long words or talking about percentages.

PRO: He lives just three doors away.
CON: He lives just three doors away.

PRO: My still-local DH would probably hear of it, and feel jealous.
CON: My DH would probably actually hear it, and feel complacent if he recognises the squelching noises and what they refer to, which he obviously didn’t like very much, seeing as how he left them.

I don’t know what to do. I might just stagger round there one night, pissed, holding a fag and wearing a nightie, and see what happens. At best, he’ll see to my leaky hole. At worst, he’ll just fix my roof.

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