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A Shallow End

November 25, 2009

When I’m out on dates with other men, shouldn’t I be nipping off to the loos to sob every five minutes and comparing every man unfavourably to DH? In reality, I have a whale of a time and my deepest thought is, “Ooh, Sticky Toffee Pudding!”

I do wonder if I’m taking this split seriously enough. Aren’t people usually devastated when their marriage ends? I know they hadn’t been married to DH, but still…

I’m getting a bit tired of worrying about how upset, or not, I look. For example, last night I chatted to a friend over FaceBook. She is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met in real life, has an adorable seven year-old daughter, and a great career. She was also married to a successful, handsome man who memorably whispered to me, while watching Friend dancing at their wedding, “I’m going to climb inside her dress later and do revoltingthings to that woman.” At the time I thought that was endearing. Now, it might explain why Friend calls him a “cross-dressing sociopath”.

Anyway, last night, when I told Friend I’d split from DH, she immediately said, “Oh, you poor, poor thing.” I was all, “No, no, I’m fine.” Then, “Really, I’m not being stoic, I’m honestly fine.” Then, “It’s not a brave face! I am so, so, so fine.”

Am I protesting too much, or am I actually fine? I’d expected a bit more misery, to be honest. For example, when I’m out on dates with other men, shouldn’t I be nipping off to the loos to sob every five minutes and comparing every man unfavourably to DH? In reality, I have a whale of a time and my deepest thought is, “Ooh, Sticky Toffee Pudding!”

It seems a bit strange. Maybe I don’t have a true capacity to love anyone? If I can brush aside my marriage in under six weeks and flirt with firemen online, does that mean I’m narcississtic, shallow, or blissfully free? Will this all come and hit me like a sledgehammer in 10 years’ time? Am I in denial? Should I stop ordering Sticky Toffee Puddings and go for fruit salad?

Help.

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